|A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly
gates. To his dismay, there
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to
his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long
line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands
and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair
by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this
attention, but what makes
me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you
billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years
|Two women came before wise King
Solomon, dragging between them a young
man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my
daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY
daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest
sword," said Solomon, "and I shall
hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to
me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent
Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He
attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to hew him in
two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King
Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother- in-law."
|An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a
high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life,
so now you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let
in. Pretty soon,
the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and
starts designing and building improvements.
After a while,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires
running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer
becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster
than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what
this engineer is going to come up with next."
replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he
should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."
back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,
right... and just
where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling
together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city.
Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek
shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them
in, but cautioned them that there were only two
spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with
the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to
take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the
The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there,
complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he
said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time
later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief
complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow
that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to
sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning
to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to
sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes
later, when another
knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there
stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
|A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was
determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and
consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally
figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to
fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to
the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he
passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the
funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the
attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he
should have had me put the money in the basement."
|A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy
search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or
I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak
English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the
Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the
loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he
say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said
'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't
dare shoot me.'"
|An investment counselor decided to go out on her
own. She was shrewd
and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized
that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of
the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr.
Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job
prospect. "Let me tell you
something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me
$15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried
my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
|A guy walks into a post office one day to see a
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps
on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then
takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
His curiosity getting the better of
him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce
|A lawyer named Strange
died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man,
and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the
stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it,
they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'
|Joe grew up in a small
town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a
big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He
opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day,
he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a
big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to
the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while
saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that
I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals
court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the
primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support.
Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the
This sort of thing went on for almost five
minutes. All the while, the
man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the
phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay," he
said, "but as you can see,
I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone
company. I came to hook up
|There was a loser who
couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked
a guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her
out. After she said
no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case
early in the morning.
She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"
said, "Why, yes I am!"
So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy
started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he
answered, "Well, I've only
been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
|This guy was sitting in his
His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a
"That's the bad news?" asked the man
incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that
it's of you and your secretary."
|A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why,
yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was
stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his
parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone,
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks
her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
|A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a
to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the
records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well ,
that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait,
wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel,
who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong
glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
|A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked
down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the
road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud",
and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one
day, he saw a priest hitch hiking,
he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute,
he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the
road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his
mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
"I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
|Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch
as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one
asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but
all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw
this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the
conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the
return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy
a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a
ticket," asks one
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to
the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says,
|A man walking along the beach one day finds a
bottle. He rubs it and,
sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three
wishes," said the genie. "But
there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the
world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with
that! No problem!" replied the elated
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO
Ferraris," said the
genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million
dollars," replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and
hard, and finally said, "Well, you know,
I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"