|The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to
just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.
The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old
The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-
mails everyone about what it did.
The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file
reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.
The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.
The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then
slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.
The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.
The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.
The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will
and last but not least ...
The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch
floppy, then discards it through Windows.
|"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a
steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered
with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer
bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their
wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that
watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag
before a trip
|Here are some conversations that actually
happened between help desk people and their customers.
Customer: "You've got to fix my
computer. I urgently need to print
a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if
there's a problem. We're open
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to
right-click on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you
sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
|How things would be different if Microsoft
were headquartered in Georgia:
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon
you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or
4. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling
5. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
6. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would
be Achey-Breaky Heart
7. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
8. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
9. New Shutdown
WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
10. Microsoft Office replaced with
11. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars
in your front yard
12. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
CEO: Bubba Gates.
|Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license
application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your
line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger"
them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure
they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt
4. You introduce your wife as "my firstname.lastname@example.org" and refer to
your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel
so "colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
|Top Ten Reasons Computers Are Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
|A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer
filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he
sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at
Your Own Risk."
He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to
him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a
living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just
from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers
are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his
beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and
pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did
that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon
Valley, and now they are
"You don't even need a license," he said.
So the truck driver finishes his
beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up
the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal
his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out
his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver says, "What's
wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."
|This memo is to announce the development of a
new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is
known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to
everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all
employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects
yet, so currently only one
person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after
Some employees have begun using the program
already. This morning I
walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he
had his nose buried in MYASS.
Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of
week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put
anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and
afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was
actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able
to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior
to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the
business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you
want in MYASS.
As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace
for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick
this in MYASS."
It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can
respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."
|The following are new Windows messages that
are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any
11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file
name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows
session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving
file! Format drive now?
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not
found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
13. Error reading FAT
record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not
found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
15. User Error: Replace user.
16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows
found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been deleted. The police are on the way.
|At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got
1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's
comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy
a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on
five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the