Blonde

JOKES about BLONDES

Why did the blonde put makeup on her forehead?
To make up her mind.

A blonde was cooking dinner in her kitchen and her kitchen caught on fire.
So she called 911 and said: "My kitchen is on fire!"
They asked, "How do we get there?"
The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big red truck!!!"

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
100. 99 to peel the M&M's and one to mix the batter!

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

A blonde was out on a date.
Her date said you have something on your cheek. So she wiped it off.
Then her date said, "No, the other side."
So she reached into her mouth and wiped the other side.

A blonde man wearing a headset walks into a barbershop and says he wants his hair dyed brown.
The barber asks him to take off the headphones. The blonde refuses but the barber dyes it anyway.
The blonde falls asleep so the barber takes the headphones off and continues dying his hair again.
Two minutes later he's shocked to find the blonde is dead. The barber puts on the headphones and there's a voice repeating, "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out."

A blonde goes to an office party and wins a thermos.
The blonde asks a co-worker, "What does it do?" He says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
The next day the blond goes to work after filling her thermos with ice cream and tea.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She was throwing away all the W's.

What do you call a blond with half a brain?
Gifted

A blonde was working on a puzzle.
After ten hard months of work, she finally finished.
She was so proud of herself because on the side of the box it said, "2-3 years."

Why did the blonde go up on top of the bar?
Because the bartender said the drinks were on the house!!

A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are.
The salesman replies, "Try the other side."
So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"

A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!"
A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!"
A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom.
She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and suprise her husband with a big dinner. When she got home she saw her husband's car in the drive way and thought "Aw, shoot there goes my suprise."
When she got inside, she heard something coming from her bedroom. She looked in and saw her husband humping her sister.
She ran out of her house and went to a sporting goods store. After buying a gun she went home and ran into her backyard. She pulled out her gun put it to her head and let out a shrill scream.
Her husband ran outside and saw his wife with the gun and said, "Honey, please don't do it!"
The blonde screamed, "Shut up asshole, you're next!"

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It says: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the ice."
"Is that you Lord?" she says.
"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."

What did the blonde say after college?
"Will that be paper or plastic?"

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to people that she wasn't just a dumb blonde. So she asked her friend "how could I show people I'm not just a dumb blonde?"
Her friend says, "First learn all the provinces and their capitals."
So that week the blonde learned them. The next week she was at a party and a man asked a question. The blonde says, "I know the anwser!"
Then the man said " What would you know? You're just a dumb blonde?"
Then the blonde says, "I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde, I know all the provinces and their capitals."
Then the man said, " Okay, Saskatchewan."
The blonde started to grin.
"What are you grinning about?" said the man.
The blonde said, "Easy. S."

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
"Then," the blonde continued, "now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

A blonde is trapped on an island. She learns how to swim and decides to go swim to shore. When she was only 1/4 away from shore, she swam back, complaining that she was too tired.