Animals

JOKES about ANIMALS

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees."

How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
She drowns it!!

What animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah!

Yo mama so ugly, that when she wore Pepper Jack panties, even the rats wouldn't eat her.

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros!

What do you call 100 cows in a field all masturbating?
Beef Stroke-n-off

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."

There were two blondes at the park.
One says, "Look at that dead seagull over there."
And the other looks up and says, "Where?"

A tourist walks into a curio shop and sees a life-like bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the salesmen, "How much?"
The salesman replied, "12 bucks for the rat and 100 bucks for the story."
The tourist says, "I'll just take the rat, thanks."
As soon as the tourist leaves the shop rats started crawling out of the sewers. There were a hundred rats, then a thousand, and then millions.
The tourist was running as fast as he could. He ran to the end of the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the lake as he could. All the other rats jumped after it and drowned.
The tourist walked back to the store.
The salesmen says, "Came back for the story, eh?"
The tourist replies, "No but I was wondering, do you have a statue of a Republican?"

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

One day in the middle of the desert a man's car breaks down.
He sees a gas station about 5 minutes away, so he pushes his car to the gas station. Six hours and lots of money later, the man's car is fixed, but night is falling. The man asks the mechanic, "Hey, where is the nearest hotel?"
The mechanic replies, "No hotel here, but about 100 miles down the road you'll see there's a room under the cactus there. But what ever you do don't touch the big pink gorilla."
The man drives to the cactus. He opens a door and shuts it behind him, finds another door and shuts it behind him, then he finds a third door and shuts it behind him.
Lo and behold he sees a big pink gorilla in the room. The gorilla is docile and looks so cute and soft he's dying to touch it. He can't help himself. He walks over to the cage and starts trying to touch him through the bars.
As soon as the man lays a finger on him, the big pink gorilla freaks out. He beats his chest and rips his cage door clean off.
The man runs for his life. He opens the first door, slams it behind him. Opens the second door, slams it behind him. The man hear a crash as he opens the third door and slams it behind him.
The man hears a roar. He runs to the car, opens the door and shuts it. He locks all the doors and starts the car, as he sees the big pink gorilla racing towards him.
The big pink gorilla rips the car door off his car.The man thinks he's going to faint.
The gorilla pokes the guy and says, "Tag you're it!"

There two redheads and one blonde attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind.
The 2 redheads decide that they should make the blonde go first, to check how deep the poop is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep."
So the two redheads jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!"
And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

Confucius Say: Lady who give kiss like spider, lead to the undoing of the fly.

One day in the back woods of West Hollywood, a giant bear was chasing little rabbit.
"Stop running and get back here!" yelled the bear.
"Never!" shouted the rabbit.
Well as the rabbit was running he tripped on a lamp. His soft furry foot brushed the lamp and out popped a genie.
The genie noticed the frightened rabbit was being chased by the bear.
The genie said to the bear,"Hey! If you stop chasing him I'll grant you and the rabbit both two wishes!"
The bear agreed and was so eager he jumped to go first. He said, "I wish that a had the biggest penis in the world!"
*Poof!* and his wish was granted.
The rabbit went next, "I wish I had a super fast motorcycle!"
*Poof* and the rabbit's wish was granted.
The bear looked at the rabbit and thought, "What a lame wish!"
For his final wish, the bear smirked as he wished that all the other bears in the world were female.
*Poof* his wish was granted.
The rabbit jumped on his motorcycle, revved the engine and laughed.
Just before he booked out of there he said, "I wish the bear was gay!"

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that penguin?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I'm taking him to the movies."

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag"
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!"
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
"Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..."
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar ''pepper bag''.
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An'' oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..."
After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his ''pepper bag''.
Dan pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

A bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a ...................................................................................................................... packet of peanuts."
The bar tender said, "Why the big paws?"

What drug was the Herb the bad ass duck on?
Qwack!

Yo mama's so stupid she thought Meow Mix was a rap CD for cats.

Q: A man rides in on Friday, stays two nights three days and then leaves on Friday.
How is that possible?
A: His horse was named Friday.

Your family is so poor, when they went to the park the pigeons threw bread at them.

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable.

Why can't you hear bunnies having sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that baby bear was going to live with mama bear.
Baby bear started to cry . "Whats wrong?" the judge asked baby bear.
"I dont want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!" said baby bear.
"Then, you can live with papa bear" said the judge.
Baby bear started to cry even harder the judge asked him, "Whats wrong?" Baby bear replied, " I dont want to live with papa bear he abuses me even more than mama bear does."
"Then who do you want to live with?" asked the judge.
Baby bear replied, "I want to live with the Baylor Bears, because they don't beat anyone!"

Why do people in vermont were kilts?
Sheep can hear zippers from a mile away.